Getting in bed for the night should be a pleasurable experience. For me not so much, for years I’ve struggled not only getting to sleep but staying asleep.
I’ve tried every remedy you can name, excersize, reading, warm milk, camomile, no caffeine, ear plugs, herbal remedies moving the bed round even sleeping pills off the GP zoplicone where the first ones and whilst they did indeed knock me out I never felt rested.
What happens when I get in bed,
My brain switches on, thoughts go round in my head, faster, faster spiralling from one to another, like a dandelion seed blowing in the wind, some thoughts are happy, others are over analyzed past situations I have no control over or imagined situations, a fantasy world if you like. something will stick, maybe a song lyric an will drive me mad, the longer I am awake for the darker the thoughts get.
The alternative is a dream filled sleep vivid, like movies! Frightening at times, I’ve woken my neighbours up before now literally screaming at the top of my voice heeeeelllllp!!! Scared shit out of myself.
The longer I am awake for the darker and more repetitive my thoughts get, the what ifs stop being happy fantasy and become (what feels like!) my doomed reality. it’s around 4am my own personal witching hour, when you know it’s too late to sleep, but it’s not quite tomorrow! does tomorrow even begin till I’ve been asleep I sometimes wonder?
But that hour, that time when I feel like the only person in the world, is a lonely hour. It when the dementors are at there strongest in my brain. once 6am comes I’ve given into the fact that tomorrow has arrived, I wasn’t ready for you I scream silently in my head!! “But I’m here” the clock defiantly ticks at me.
And so I go about my daily business, fight the demons on the treadmill, put the step ford wife smile on and face the public,
but inside, where you can’t see, I fight my battle,
Lately I’ve been getting a decent quality of sleep, due to another set of medication I am now on so far this has been working for around 7 weeks I’ve had maybe 2 bad nights. Tonight is a bad night I can already feel the presence of the darkness wrapping around me, all consuming, .