Tag Archives: Depression

Tearing off tights with my teeth Daily Prompt: Mr. Sandman http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/daily-prompt-mr-sandman/

Inspired by Daily Prompt: Mr. Sandman http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/daily-prompt-mr-sandman/

Getting in bed for the night should be a pleasurable experience. For me not so much, for years I’ve struggled not only getting to sleep but staying asleep.

I’ve tried every remedy you can name, excersize, reading, warm milk, camomile, no caffeine, ear plugs, herbal remedies moving the bed round even sleeping pills off the GP zoplicone where the first ones and whilst they did indeed knock me out I never felt rested.

What happens when I get in bed,
My brain switches on, thoughts go round in my head, faster, faster spiralling from one to another, like a dandelion seed blowing in the wind, some thoughts are happy, others are over analyzed past situations I have no control over or imagined situations, a fantasy world if you like. something will stick, maybe a song lyric an will drive me mad, the longer I am awake for the darker the thoughts get.
The alternative is a dream filled sleep vivid, like movies! Frightening at times, I’ve woken my neighbours up before now literally screaming at the top of my voice heeeeelllllp!!! Scared shit out of myself.

The longer I am awake for the darker and more repetitive my thoughts get, the what ifs stop being happy fantasy and become (what feels like!) my doomed reality. it’s around 4am my own personal witching hour, when you know it’s too late to sleep, but it’s not quite tomorrow! does tomorrow even begin till I’ve been asleep I sometimes wonder?
But that hour, that time when I feel like the only person in the world, is a lonely hour. It when the dementors are at there strongest in my brain. once 6am comes I’ve given into the fact that tomorrow has arrived, I wasn’t ready for you I scream silently in my head!! “But I’m here” the clock defiantly ticks at me.

And so I go about my daily business, fight the demons on the treadmill, put the step ford wife smile on and face the public,
but inside, where you can’t see, I fight my battle,

Lately I’ve been getting a decent quality of sleep, due to another set of medication I am now on so far this has been working for around 7 weeks I’ve had maybe 2 bad nights. Tonight is a bad night I can already feel the presence of the darkness wrapping around me, all consuming, .

a restful night?

So I intended to do a backlog of blogs, back blog? In as close to chronological order as I could muster. But something happened in the night that I need to get out.

For years now I’ve been having these insanely vivid dreams almost like movies they are that clear. I’ve woken up screaming for help, punching kicking, thrashing biting my tongue, laughing and crying so hard my face and pillow have been soaked but last night was something entirely different.

I also suffer with sleep paralysis, involving my eyes being open an me being Completely frozen.

Last night I was having the usual overly vivid dream, prior to fallin asleep I had a strange sensation in my ears like a radio that was slightly out of tune buzzing an half heard words. then I was stood in my own bedroom looking at myself sleeping, I was aware of traffic noise, the warmth of my kitten curled up next to me and the sensation of me biting my tongue. this has totally freaked me out, was it a dream was I having a outer body experience am I really going mad? people don’t actually have outer body experiences do they?

All I know is the experience had totally flipped me out this morning and I don’t feel right, confused and irritable. It’s mornings like this I wish I didn’t live alone.

Facing up to being mentally ill

Taking the first steps and contacting my GP where incredibly difficult, perhaps I should rewind 6-12 months prior to me making this call.

To the days I would hide away from friends, to the days I didn’t turn up for events, social engagements, work, university. To the times me brain felt so frazzled, I genuinely began to wish for death, to play through scenarios in my head where I could make it look accidental perhaps cycle without a helmet an hit a bus, perhaps take a medication I am allergic to. All the times I lay in bed and hoped and prayed I would not wake up. Anything to release me from the pain an torment going on in my brain, manifesting itself into physical symptoms migraine, shortness of breath constantly crying yet making excuses oh it hormones oh I’ve been working nights.

i tried to push my friends away because for some reason I had started to believe I was worthless, and uninteresting. like people would have a better time without me it was like I got bored of life I was giving up and perhaps if those around me had given up on me I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale and fight the battle.

my closest friends kept asking me to visit my dr but I wouldn’t go kept thinking I would shake it off feelings of guilt would consume me when I let them down, eventually whn I had a panic attack two consecutive days at work and broke down hysterical and then walked out this was what prompted me to make the appoitment. I felt scared and nervous as I didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. I had been on medication years ago after my brother died an I self harmed really badly I came close to being admitted to a psychiatric unit at that time. But this time felt different as there was no trigger no reason from the outside my life looked pretty rosy. I work full time, have wonderful friends, some close family, studying part time and did have a active social life before I began to throw it all away. So what the hell was wrong with me I continued to wonder, why was I feeling so demted and tortured ?