The winter will be cold

The phrases “on the shelf” and “spinsterhood” loom over you when you pass the 30 mark and don’t have any significant romantic experiences let alone a actual relationship to speak of.

Its not as though I grew up a child of a broken home, my parents are still together some 35 years later. My brothers had both had their children by age 22. I know it bothers my mum and the rest of society that I don’t have nor want a child of my own. But that’s not my issue I 200% don’t want a child regardless of relationship or not. Though perhaps my stance on this is why people don’t show a interest?

I’ve always been curious of the physical connection between two people and have more than enough experience and enjoyment regarding that.

Yet sometimes I genuinely believe I don’t want a partner, that I enjoy being alone but then there’s being alone and there’s being alone alone there’s some gaps friends just can’t fill. And as time ticks on its not a body clock I hear getting louder but more thoughts  of there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. Ever since high school whenever I’ve asked someone on a date I’ve been knocked back.
I don’t care about dying alone everyone dies alone, but I’d Like some memories to keep me warm in my later years otherwise what’s the point in existing to go through life feeling slightly empty working hard to struggle to pay the bills.

Always last to get picked. I wonder if its too late now? Am I too old at just 32. I keep pushing this feeling of utter terror away but it continues to get worse. Yet I mange to purvey a I don’t care attitude by not talking about it its rare I mention my relationship status mainly because its none existent and majorly because I hate the sympathetic head tilt people give you so patronising you can see them wondering what’s so unlovable about you that you cant function in a normal way.

It just hurts when your own brain starts taunting you and making you feel even more worthless and socially awkward.

I guess that’s why I’m the events coordinator amongst my friends it keeps me occupied. 


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