The first time I visited my GP was in September, I couldn’t even get my thoughts together at that point to verbalise to her how I was feeling I had made a few notes on my phone explains how I didn’t feel suicidal but also didn’t feel I wanted to carry on, how I was crying a lot, the onset of panic attacks, feelings of anger and at times terror and the horrendous insomnia I’d been suffering for years.
I was already on propanol for my migraines and was told this should help the anxiety, I was initially put on a 10mg of citalapram and offered counselling which I initially turned down, over the next 4 weeks I didn’t show any sign of improvement and actually walked out of work this was the point when I was signed off. I was then upped to 20mg cital an felt a minor improvement yet after
Two weeks plummeted again, I still wasn’t sleeping and spent most nights with my thoughts spiralling completely out of control, I was found sat on a railway bridge one night and had a friend begging me to visit a&e but I refused to go.
after this my cital was upped to 30mg and I was given zoplicone to help with my sleep.
I found the zoplicone whilst it did knock me out cold I did not wake up feeling rested at all and continued to shout and fight in my sleep. this seemed to counter act the feelin I was getting from the cital so the decision was made to stop this. after 8 weeks on 30 cital I began to feel I could face work I didn’t want to be off work as I felt this meant I was somehow failing at life. the 30 cital helped me to he able to drag myself up most days though since I retuned to work mid December I have had a further 6 days off work.
One day in January the scariest thing happened. I was woken up by the local police as I had failed to turn up for work, this was due to me taking too any zoplicone and not waking up mya maher sent the police when after 7 hours post my shift start time I had not made contact. I’ve never been so scared in all my life. And the worse thing is I have seen this police woman a couple of times in my work environment.
In a way I am lucky to work in a&e as I have been able to have informal chats with our crisis team, but in another it is this fact that has stopped me presenting at a&e when I have been having dangerous thoughts about ending my life.
Somewhere along the line I accepted a appointment with the counselling service and attended 8 sessions, I did not find the counselling helpful at all. he was a nice man but all the information he gave me was generic information I had already gathered myself over the years. but I stuck with it as I was willing to give anything a try.
in February my GP gave me mirtazipine 15mg to take of a evening alongside the cital 30 an propanol 80 that I take in the mornings. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this has made to me, simply being able to sleep is helping me no end.
I’m still fighting a battle some days to get up and dressed but at the moment I am trying to take it one step at a time I get to the end of the week and think well I made it.
I am awaiting a appointment with the psychology team at the moment, and right now cannot comprehend coming off the medication.
As a result of my illness I am now on monitoring at work for my sickness and have been withdrawn from my univerSity course, but I’m here I’m alive and I’m fighting my battles.