Taking the first steps and contacting my GP where incredibly difficult, perhaps I should rewind 6-12 months prior to me making this call.
To the days I would hide away from friends, to the days I didn’t turn up for events, social engagements, work, university. To the times me brain felt so frazzled, I genuinely began to wish for death, to play through scenarios in my head where I could make it look accidental perhaps cycle without a helmet an hit a bus, perhaps take a medication I am allergic to. All the times I lay in bed and hoped and prayed I would not wake up. Anything to release me from the pain an torment going on in my brain, manifesting itself into physical symptoms migraine, shortness of breath constantly crying yet making excuses oh it hormones oh I’ve been working nights.
i tried to push my friends away because for some reason I had started to believe I was worthless, and uninteresting. like people would have a better time without me it was like I got bored of life I was giving up and perhaps if those around me had given up on me I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale and fight the battle.
my closest friends kept asking me to visit my dr but I wouldn’t go kept thinking I would shake it off feelings of guilt would consume me when I let them down, eventually whn I had a panic attack two consecutive days at work and broke down hysterical and then walked out this was what prompted me to make the appoitment. I felt scared and nervous as I didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. I had been on medication years ago after my brother died an I self harmed really badly I came close to being admitted to a psychiatric unit at that time. But this time felt different as there was no trigger no reason from the outside my life looked pretty rosy. I work full time, have wonderful friends, some close family, studying part time and did have a active social life before I began to throw it all away. So what the hell was wrong with me I continued to wonder, why was I feeling so demted and tortured ?