The winter will be cold

The phrases “on the shelf” and “spinsterhood” loom over you when you pass the 30 mark and don’t have any significant romantic experiences let alone a actual relationship to speak of.

Its not as though I grew up a child of a broken home, my parents are still together some 35 years later. My brothers had both had their children by age 22. I know it bothers my mum and the rest of society that I don’t have nor want a child of my own. But that’s not my issue I 200% don’t want a child regardless of relationship or not. Though perhaps my stance on this is why people don’t show a interest?

I’ve always been curious of the physical connection between two people and have more than enough experience and enjoyment regarding that.

Yet sometimes I genuinely believe I don’t want a partner, that I enjoy being alone but then there’s being alone and there’s being alone alone there’s some gaps friends just can’t fill. And as time ticks on its not a body clock I hear getting louder but more thoughts  of there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. Ever since high school whenever I’ve asked someone on a date I’ve been knocked back.
I don’t care about dying alone everyone dies alone, but I’d Like some memories to keep me warm in my later years otherwise what’s the point in existing to go through life feeling slightly empty working hard to struggle to pay the bills.

Always last to get picked. I wonder if its too late now? Am I too old at just 32. I keep pushing this feeling of utter terror away but it continues to get worse. Yet I mange to purvey a I don’t care attitude by not talking about it its rare I mention my relationship status mainly because its none existent and majorly because I hate the sympathetic head tilt people give you so patronising you can see them wondering what’s so unlovable about you that you cant function in a normal way.

It just hurts when your own brain starts taunting you and making you feel even more worthless and socially awkward.

I guess that’s why I’m the events coordinator amongst my friends it keeps me occupied. 



As a female it seems the world expects me to have at least one baby, the looks I get when I say I don’t want kids are quite something. I’ve just never felt the urge that people talk about.

I guess this can be viewed as negativity because I list reasons such as I for sleep as it is and a child would make that worse, I don’t want to be somewhere at 9 an 3 everyday, why would I want to bring a person into this awful world?

I can’t even say it’s down to my mental health as I’ve always felt like this. Granted I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was 19, perhaps even younger I have recollections of hitting myself with a hammer age around 9/10.

I enjoy my friends children’s company and taking them to the cinema or having them stay over and playing games but I just don’t have the desire to have my own. The other thing that is concerning me right now is that I don’t have any inclination to be in a relationship perhaps there really is something fundamentally wrong with me, of course I have sexual needs but don’t seem to want emotional ones I’ve had one relationship in my life and that was a very long time ago! I live alone and love the fact that I do for the most part I do get lonely At times but majority of time I like that I can be as messy or clean as I feel like and don’t have to worry about someone else when I make plans.

Is this weird? Perhaps I will regret it when I’m elderly and alone, if I survive that long that is


Today has been a great day.
Standing at a busy city station alone a few months back would of had me in bits, today I stood waiting for friends happily slurping my coffee and wAtching the world go by, from the glee on a toddlers face as he chased a pigeon to the elderly couple holding hands all brought a smile to my face. Today I felt part of society, not like a outsider.

Tearing off tights with my teeth Daily Prompt: Mr. Sandman

Inspired by Daily Prompt: Mr. Sandman

Getting in bed for the night should be a pleasurable experience. For me not so much, for years I’ve struggled not only getting to sleep but staying asleep.

I’ve tried every remedy you can name, excersize, reading, warm milk, camomile, no caffeine, ear plugs, herbal remedies moving the bed round even sleeping pills off the GP zoplicone where the first ones and whilst they did indeed knock me out I never felt rested.

What happens when I get in bed,
My brain switches on, thoughts go round in my head, faster, faster spiralling from one to another, like a dandelion seed blowing in the wind, some thoughts are happy, others are over analyzed past situations I have no control over or imagined situations, a fantasy world if you like. something will stick, maybe a song lyric an will drive me mad, the longer I am awake for the darker the thoughts get.
The alternative is a dream filled sleep vivid, like movies! Frightening at times, I’ve woken my neighbours up before now literally screaming at the top of my voice heeeeelllllp!!! Scared shit out of myself.

The longer I am awake for the darker and more repetitive my thoughts get, the what ifs stop being happy fantasy and become (what feels like!) my doomed reality. it’s around 4am my own personal witching hour, when you know it’s too late to sleep, but it’s not quite tomorrow! does tomorrow even begin till I’ve been asleep I sometimes wonder?
But that hour, that time when I feel like the only person in the world, is a lonely hour. It when the dementors are at there strongest in my brain. once 6am comes I’ve given into the fact that tomorrow has arrived, I wasn’t ready for you I scream silently in my head!! “But I’m here” the clock defiantly ticks at me.

And so I go about my daily business, fight the demons on the treadmill, put the step ford wife smile on and face the public,
but inside, where you can’t see, I fight my battle,

Lately I’ve been getting a decent quality of sleep, due to another set of medication I am now on so far this has been working for around 7 weeks I’ve had maybe 2 bad nights. Tonight is a bad night I can already feel the presence of the darkness wrapping around me, all consuming, .

Anti social brain

Some days I just don’t want to get up. The last three days have been like this,
some days it’s all I can do to get up and get washed.

I’ve been on annual leave from work for a week and not been out of my house since Monday. I’m back in work tomorrow night and If I’m totally honest I can’t wait. Which in itself is sad. It’s no as though I didn’t have things to do I did have a busy weekend planned but just didn’t feel up to seeing anyone.

I hate feeling like this.

the medication journey

The first time I visited my GP was in September, I couldn’t even get my thoughts together at that point to verbalise to her how I was feeling I had made a few notes on my phone explains how I didn’t feel suicidal but also didn’t feel I wanted to carry on, how I was crying a lot, the onset of panic attacks, feelings of anger and at times terror and the horrendous insomnia I’d been suffering for years.

I was already on propanol for my migraines and was told this should help the anxiety, I was initially put on a 10mg of citalapram and offered counselling which I initially turned down, over the next 4 weeks I didn’t show any sign of improvement and actually walked out of work this was the point when I was signed off. I was then upped to 20mg cital an felt a minor improvement yet after
Two weeks plummeted again, I still wasn’t sleeping and spent most nights with my thoughts spiralling completely out of control, I was found sat on a railway bridge one night and had a friend begging me to visit a&e but I refused to go.
after this my cital was upped to 30mg and I was given zoplicone to help with my sleep.

I found the zoplicone whilst it did knock me out cold I did not wake up feeling rested at all and continued to shout and fight in my sleep. this seemed to counter act the feelin I was getting from the cital so the decision was made to stop this. after 8 weeks on 30 cital I began to feel I could face work I didn’t want to be off work as I felt this meant I was somehow failing at life. the 30 cital helped me to he able to drag myself up most days though since I retuned to work mid December I have had a further 6 days off work.

One day in January the scariest thing happened. I was woken up by the local police as I had failed to turn up for work, this was due to me taking too any zoplicone and not waking up mya maher sent the police when after 7 hours post my shift start time I had not made contact. I’ve never been so scared in all my life. And the worse thing is I have seen this police woman a couple of times in my work environment.

In a way I am lucky to work in a&e as I have been able to have informal chats with our crisis team, but in another it is this fact that has stopped me presenting at a&e when I have been having dangerous thoughts about ending my life.

Somewhere along the line I accepted a appointment with the counselling service and attended 8 sessions, I did not find the counselling helpful at all. he was a nice man but all the information he gave me was generic information I had already gathered myself over the years. but I stuck with it as I was willing to give anything a try.

in February my GP gave me mirtazipine 15mg to take of a evening alongside the cital 30 an propanol 80 that I take in the mornings. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this has made to me, simply being able to sleep is helping me no end.

I’m still fighting a battle some days to get up and dressed but at the moment I am trying to take it one step at a time I get to the end of the week and think well I made it.

I am awaiting a appointment with the psychology team at the moment, and right now cannot comprehend coming off the medication.

As a result of my illness I am now on monitoring at work for my sickness and have been withdrawn from my univerSity course, but I’m here I’m alive and I’m fighting my battles.

a restful night?

So I intended to do a backlog of blogs, back blog? In as close to chronological order as I could muster. But something happened in the night that I need to get out.

For years now I’ve been having these insanely vivid dreams almost like movies they are that clear. I’ve woken up screaming for help, punching kicking, thrashing biting my tongue, laughing and crying so hard my face and pillow have been soaked but last night was something entirely different.

I also suffer with sleep paralysis, involving my eyes being open an me being Completely frozen.

Last night I was having the usual overly vivid dream, prior to fallin asleep I had a strange sensation in my ears like a radio that was slightly out of tune buzzing an half heard words. then I was stood in my own bedroom looking at myself sleeping, I was aware of traffic noise, the warmth of my kitten curled up next to me and the sensation of me biting my tongue. this has totally freaked me out, was it a dream was I having a outer body experience am I really going mad? people don’t actually have outer body experiences do they?

All I know is the experience had totally flipped me out this morning and I don’t feel right, confused and irritable. It’s mornings like this I wish I didn’t live alone.

Facing up to being mentally ill

Taking the first steps and contacting my GP where incredibly difficult, perhaps I should rewind 6-12 months prior to me making this call.

To the days I would hide away from friends, to the days I didn’t turn up for events, social engagements, work, university. To the times me brain felt so frazzled, I genuinely began to wish for death, to play through scenarios in my head where I could make it look accidental perhaps cycle without a helmet an hit a bus, perhaps take a medication I am allergic to. All the times I lay in bed and hoped and prayed I would not wake up. Anything to release me from the pain an torment going on in my brain, manifesting itself into physical symptoms migraine, shortness of breath constantly crying yet making excuses oh it hormones oh I’ve been working nights.

i tried to push my friends away because for some reason I had started to believe I was worthless, and uninteresting. like people would have a better time without me it was like I got bored of life I was giving up and perhaps if those around me had given up on me I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale and fight the battle.

my closest friends kept asking me to visit my dr but I wouldn’t go kept thinking I would shake it off feelings of guilt would consume me when I let them down, eventually whn I had a panic attack two consecutive days at work and broke down hysterical and then walked out this was what prompted me to make the appoitment. I felt scared and nervous as I didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. I had been on medication years ago after my brother died an I self harmed really badly I came close to being admitted to a psychiatric unit at that time. But this time felt different as there was no trigger no reason from the outside my life looked pretty rosy. I work full time, have wonderful friends, some close family, studying part time and did have a active social life before I began to throw it all away. So what the hell was wrong with me I continued to wonder, why was I feeling so demted and tortured ?